On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
