The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
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