evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
