I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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