Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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