I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
