at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
