When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
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i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
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When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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