i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I have fence marks all over my body
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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