I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes