All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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