This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
