Someone shit on the floor
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
