I met the friendliest cop last night
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
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i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
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Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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