(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
