My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
