It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
