The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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