i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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