Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
