goodnight i made you a song goodbye
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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