guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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