I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
All the doctor said was why
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
