I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
