Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
and she was petting her beer can
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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