Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
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First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
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Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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