I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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