she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
