The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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