The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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