She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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