did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
