I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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