we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
