I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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