Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
