Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
