I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
