dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
