look no pants
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
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She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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