she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
