Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
not ubering you a puppy
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
