And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
