So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
