Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
