I am midnight drunk by noon
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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