I just pynch a tree in the face
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
