It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
