i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
