Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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