God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
