If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
