I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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