I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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