so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
