Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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